More than once, especially in discussing something in correspondance, I’ve want to have something I can easily cite that explains my perspective on disagreements, discussions, and how I percieve them. Here’s a rough cut.

We disagree! (Probably. At the moment. About a likely very small subset of topics.)

You think I’m wrong? That’s OK with me! I’ve been wrong before, so this wouldn’t be the first time. You have good reason to assume that you’re probably right and that I’m wrong. So do I, even if I’m actually wrong! But I certainly prefer to be right. Hopefully you want to help me understand why I’m wrong, and can spare a few moments to set me straight; then we can both be right. *High fives!!!*

Here is where I’m coming from:

• I have opinions. These are like theories, in that they’re simply the a general rule I cobbled together from anecdotal experiences.
• I have “knowledge” about “facts” which are opinions about “reality” highly corroborated by “evidence.”
• I find knowledge and opinions useful in making decisions. I want to have useful knowledge and opinions, which means ones that are most accurate. This is why, if I”m wrong, I want you to tell me! Just do so in a helpful way, by pointing out which opinions are wrong and then showing me what refutes them.

This is where we stand:

• We might not actually disagree. We might realize, in explaining our positions, that we’re just talking about the same thing in different ways. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened!
• We might question the evidence. Let’s be honest, there is a lot of bad “evidence” out there. I tend to trust certain sources more than others, and you probably do too. Perhaps we can agree on some sources. That would make this a lot easier! For example, I tend to reference snopes.com whenever someone asks me to forward a chain message so they can get a free laptop from Microsoft/Dell/Disney/Facebook/etc. If we don’t agree on a source then it isn’t useful in our discussion. We could debate a source’s validity, but that’s a whole different discussion.
• We might question the logic used to present the evidence as supporting or refuting our opinions. Let’s be honest, it’s not uncommon for people to make a mistake in logic. Also, lots of people get paid to make highly convincing but fallacious logic (we call them “magicians,” “marketers,” and “con artists” among other things.) I wouldn’t fault anyone for falling prey to a reasonable sounding fallacious argument; sure, I’ve done that too! Perhaps we can take a closer look at the logic behind the evidence.

I’m also open to the idea that it can be useful to hold opinions that aren’t based on evidence. I only oppose these opinions when they contradict legitimate evidence, because then they lead to making bad decisions. That’s not useful… in fact, that’s can be dangerous!

When I’m wrong: it might take me some time to accept that, especially if I’ve invested an time or effort into projects that you’ve now shown to be misguided, flawed, pointless or, at worst, counter to my benefit. While I want to find out if I’m wrong, I don’t enjoy being wrong, and I actively dislike dealing with the consequences, because it might take effort to adjust to my newly enlightened position. BUT! I would rather make the necessary adjustments than continue to put my energy into the wrong investments. Just allow me some space while I’m adjusting. I’ll try not to get too cranky. Note: gloating is an invitation for me to openly question your lineage and olfactory prescence.

If you don’t want to discuss it: I’ll be irritated. You’ve basically said to me “Hey, there’s a problem with your model of the world, which might get you into trouble, and I know what the problem is, but I don’t want to bother helping you get things straight.” It’s frustruating to be taunted like that, and I hope you understand why I dislike it.

So hey, I don’t dislike you just because we disagree. Quite the opposite: I rely on my friends to point out when I’m wrong, because although that’s fair game for anyone, my friends are the ones who help set me straight. Thank you for your time, I appreciate it!

By the way, I tend to assume that this is generally your policy too. If it isn’t, let me know, and why. Perhaps I’ll amend my own policy, if yours is more useful!